Banged Up
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
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Two Muffins
So there's these two muffins in an oven.
They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
And one of them yells "Oh man, it's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies "Holy cow, a talking muffin!"
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Tomato
Why was the Tomato blushing?
Because he saw the salad dressing.
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"Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is threatening to sue one
of her biggest fans because he's trying to put out a Harry
Potter encyclopedia. The man says he's not happy about being
sued by Rowling — but at least it's technically some form
of contact with a girl." -Conan O'Brien
***
"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell
their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you
tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will
tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent
of the men aren't listening anyway." -Jay Leno
***
"Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie
career. He said he's not getting the movie roles that he
wants because of a false FBI investigation. The FBI issued
a response and said, 'It is our job to stop people from
making bombs.'" -Craig Ferguson
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Tired of super-hectic Christmas mornings, I was pleased to
find a recipe called "Christmas Morning Wifesaver Breakfast."
I prepared the breakfast the night before so that it could
be put in the oven while we opened our gifts with our four
small children.
It was delicious.
Next year I followed the "tradition" and prepared the same
breakfast. After everyone was seated I put the casserole on
the table. My five-year-old exclaimed disgustedly, "This
again!"
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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie
popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be
getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second
wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your
second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was
before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,
because everything is the way it was before you made any
wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the
heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to
know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and dis-
appeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
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The Klotschtein Curse
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klotschtein."
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Fan Help"
Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped me with chores around the house.
One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an all-day job.
"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.
"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think of me as the son you never had."
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CleanQuote
“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
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Illustration - "News"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
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A Great Cup of Tea
This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin for June, 1998
Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it
makes your life more complicated?
I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling
daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and
brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up
with a cup of tea.
"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I
didn't know you could make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the
water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a
cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."
"You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new
flyswatter. I used the old one."
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Deacon Meeting Minutes
The newly elected secretary for the Deacon Board at church
submitted this report:
October the something Deacon's meeting
Present was most of the deacons; one was absent.
Chairman Tad asked Luke to say something, and he did.
New officers were needed; some of us were arm twisted into
taking the positions.
Some old business was remembered, and most of it had been
approved. What wasn't was not important.
We tried to think of some new business, but it was decided
that we're too old to be new.
Some of the deacons were getting tired so we decided to get
out of the meeting.
(Secretary's note: I said I would type the meeting minutes;
not that they would be worth a hoot!!)
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"In LA a 500-pound man was arrested for stealing food from
a restaurant. Police say it took five minutes to catch the
suspect and two hours to pat him down." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they
are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."
--Dave Letterman