Cleaning Instructions
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
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REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a
single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.
Better be a reward.
For Sale: COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows
everything.
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"Kid Wisdom"
When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
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Oneliner
"A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight."
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CleanPun - "Stallions"
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.
The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!"
The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!"
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected."
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There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked
up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied
voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off
and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook
his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big
score, then clicked the light back on and began searching
for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus
is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying
to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you
are, anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who
would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"