An elderly man constantly called his doctor at all hours of the day and
night and would then keep him on the phone with a litany of imagined
ailments.
Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr. Jones, if you wake
me up again in the middle of the night with another one of your tales about
some made-up ailment, I am going to insist you see another physician. Have I
made myself clear?"
A week later, the unfortunate man slipped and fell down a flight of stairs,
breaking his hip, two ribs, en elbow, and suffering a
concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and put in intensive care.
An hour later, his doctor walked in, saw his condition, and exclaimed "I
think you're finally getting the hang of it!"
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Rain is what makes flowers grow and taxis disappear.
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Great-Uncle George
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said...
"Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
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Good MannersThe young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth.""Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"
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"The invasion movie comes out this weekend. It's a remake of
"Invasion of the Body Snatchers," a classic science fiction
movie. In the 1950s movies, all the aliens would come down
with their powerful weapons and threaten the American way of
life. Of course it was all a metaphor for communism, because
everyone at that time was scared of the Soviets. We thought
the Russians were drunk on power. Turns out they were just
drunk." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Wal-Mart announced they're coming out with their own brand
of wine. Wal-Mart's wine comes in red or white, as well as
12- or 16-ounce cans." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Jenna Bush is getting married. First, the guy has to be con-
firmed by Congress. It's going to be an expensive wedding. The
$3 billion contract has gone to Halliburton." -Dave Letterman
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On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at
a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-
view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I
handed the officer my license and made small talk while my
wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my
wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said
gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South
Carolina.
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The college football player knew his way around the locker
room better than he did the library, so when my husband's
co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks of books
looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."
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A SERIOUS NOTE
Thank you to all you veterans!
Vern
What is a Veteran?A veteran - whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The People of the United States of America," for an amount of "up to and including my life."That is honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.-- Author Unknown
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Depression
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do." A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11."
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Sinatra
Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was an ecologist. Once, he found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being forced off their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt to be eaten by their natural enemies due to the crowded conditions. These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of water, but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes. This resulted in abnormal losses in the herds. Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the animals so they wouldn't be so crowded. Frank's idea was to go to the watering holes and load the animals on large barges and take them to other lands and then set them free. In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a best-selling song about it. We've all heard the song before. It starts out, "Start spreading the Gnus..." The title of the song was, of course, "New Ark, New Ark."
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Nervous Flyer
I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."
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Funny Headlines
-. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies - Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers - Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted - Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case - Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal To Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
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Hamster Care
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED
they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the
responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do
you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked
after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically,
"Once?"