CHRISTMAS Humor
Christmas Tree Hunt
Two goobers went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Reindeer Problem" (This is an absolutely aweful pun - included here only because I know some of you sick pun lovers need your fix of torturing co-workers with it all day.) As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve as Santa Claus landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very loud "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time: "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!" None of the reindeer stepped forward. Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own." Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do - read off the rude-nosed reindeer! ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Politically Correct Santa" 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at the North PoleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the C.A.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their rooftops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd never a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even YOU.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Many Happy Returns" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. "'Twas the day after Christmasand all through the roomStrewn wrappings were cryingfor use of a broom. The children were scatteredthe friends' gifts exploringSince now most of theirswere broken or boring. All tummies still stuffedfrom the fabulous feast;Leftovers would servefor one month at least. And mama and papawere the countryside ranging,Those unwanted giftsreturned or exchanging. Yes Christmas is pastwith its bustle and noise—Sales and carolsSantas and toys. Decorations are packed the yule tree's discardedThe holiday's overjust as we got started To celebrate peaceand the meaning of givingTo discover real love and the purpose for living. Dear Jesus please help usto stop and rememberThat you came to earthnot just for December. But from birth in a mangerto death on a crossYou gave up your gloryand counted it loss. So now as we trust You—God’s only Son—The real celebrationhas only begun! Copyright 2007 Dave Veerman. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Santa and Science" 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total-- leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. 4) Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, at tops 25-30 miles per hour. 5) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth. 6) Three hundred and fifty-three thousand tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead. ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Santa Dialogue” Dear Santa Copyright 2000 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/archive/dear_santa.htmPlease do not remove the copyright from this essay! (Please?)
My son and Santa Claus have been pen pals every Christmas since he first learned to write. Traditionally, letters to Saint Nick are stuffed in the stockings hanging over the wood stove we call our "fireplace," and are answered via the same mysterious process that allows the jolly old elf to descend down a six-inch stove pipe every Christmas Eve.
Here is this year's exchange:
Dear Santa:
For Christmas this year I would like a guinea pig. I have other stuff I want, but I wanted to get the guinea-pig request in early.
Signed, the Best Boy in the World Dear Best Boy:
You are not getting a guinea pig. Are you forgetting what happened to the goldfish you had, and also to the mice you were given for your birthday? Please ask for something reasonable, like a new rake to help your father in the yard. That request I can fill immediately.
Dear Santa:
Well the directions never said you can't take goldfish into the bathtub with you so how was I supposed to know? And the thing with the mice was not my fault, it was the cat's fault.
I also want a go-cart.
Dear Pet Boy:
Surely you knew that sitting on the fish would not be good for them. And I hardly think the cat can be blamed for its instinctive pursuit of the mice once you left the cage door open. I'm sorry, but you may have no more rodents, and that's final.
Regarding your new request: You have already demonstrated an unnerving tendency to succumb to the gravitational pull of the earth, hurling yourself headfirst off of your bicycle and your skate board. A go-cart would merely accelerate this process. How about instead of a go-cart you get a wheelbarrow to help haul the leaves you'll be raking.
Dear so-called Santa:
A guinea pig is not a rodent, it is a member of the pork family.
How about you get me a little trailer for my go-cart and I'll haul leaves in that.
Plus I also want a drum set.
Oh, and I think you should know, my dad is not using the exercise bike you got him last Christmas. I guess it goes against his instinctive pursuit of getting fat.
Dear Drummer Boy:
No pigs of any kind, including those related to rats. No catapulting yourself headfirst from a go-cart into the emergency room. No banging on drums, or doing anything to create any noise except the sounds of yard work.
And your father is planning on starting his exercise program just as soon as his schedule settles down.
Dear Saint Nick Picker:
Well excuse me for thinking that Christmas was for something besides better homes and gardens.
If I can't have a go-cart, I want a snowmobile.
Oh, and I think you'd better take another look at my dad: All he has on his schedule is watching TV and drinking beer. If he settles down any more, he's going to slide off of his chair and onto the floor. The only way to tell that he's still alive is by his belches.
Dear Incorrect Boy:
Your father works hard and occasionally takes in a game on TV to relax. There is nothing wrong with this.
And a snowmobile? Are you crazy? Not only are they dangerous, do you have any idea how much a snowmobile costs? Please pick something affordable.
Dear Santa Flaws:
Well why do you care what it costs? I thought you had a bunch of dwarfs working for you who built everything in your workshop.
If I can't have a guinea pig I want a monkey.
Dear Boy:
A monkey? You cannot have a monkey.
Dear Chris Crumple:
I'm the only kid in my school without a pet.
But Son, I refuse to believe anybody in your school has a monkey. It is illegal.
Dear Santa Laws:
Well then can I have a guinea pig?
Dear Son:
Well... we'll see.
Illustration - "The Christmas Invitation" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
It was the biggest night of the year in a little town called Cornwall. It was the night of the annual Christmas pageant. It's an especially big deal for the children in town -- they get to try out for the roles in the Christmas story. Everybody wants a part.
Which leads us to the problem of Harold. Harold really wanted to be in the play, too, but he was - well, he was kind of a slow and simple kid. The directors were ambivalent - I mean, they knew Harold would be crushed if he didn't have a part, but they were afraid he might mess up the town's magic moment. Finally, they decided to cast Harold as the innkeeper - the one who turns Mary and Joseph away the night Jesus is to be born. He had only one line - "I'm sorry, we have no room." Well, no one could imagine what that one line was going to do to everyone's Christmas…
The night of the pageant the church was packed, as usual. The Christmas story unfolded according to plan - angels singing, Joseph's dream, and the trip to Bethlehem. Finally, Joseph and Mary arrived at the door of the Bethlehem inn, looking appropriately tired. Joseph knocked on the inn door, and Harold was there to open the door.
Joseph asked his question on cue - "Do you have a room for the night?" Harold froze. After a long pause, Harold mumbled his line, "I'm sorry - we have no room." And, with a little coaching, he shut the door. The directors heaved a sigh of relief - prematurely. As Mary and Joseph disappeared into the night, the set suddenly started shaking again - and the door opened. Harold was back! And then, in an unrehearsed moment that folks would not soon forget, Harold went running after the young couple, shouting as loud as he could -- "Wait! Don't go Joseph. Bring Mary back! You can have MY room!"
I think little Harold may have understood the real issue of Christmas better than anyone else there that night. How can you leave Jesus outside? You have to make room for Jesus. And that may be the issue for you this Christmas. What will you do with this Son of God who came to earth to find you?
Jesus is the One who trades a throne room for a stable, and the praise of angels for human mockery. This is the Creator who gives Himself on a cross! The Bible gives us the only appropriate response: "The life I now live I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me." (Gal. 2:20) You look at what Jesus did to pay for your sin on that cross, and you say those life-changing words - "For me."
Jesus is at YOUR door this Christmas. Maybe He's been knocking for a long time. Maybe He won't keep knocking much longer. All your life - even the events of the last few months - have been to prepare you for this crossroads moment with Jesus your Savior. Don't leave Him outside any longer. Open the door this Christmas Day. "Jesus, I cannot keep You out any longer. Come on in. You can have my room . . . my life."
For more on how to begin life's most important relationship, visit http://www.yoursforlife.net
Copyright 2006 Ron Hutchcraft Ministries www.hutchcraft.com. You can copy this, forward it, share with your family, office workers, neighbors, people you meet at the mall, friends, and more...Merry Christmas!
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