********************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- Wal-Mart greeters
2 Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during
break time and one turns to the other saying, "I'm 73
years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?" The other
greeter says, "I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed, the co-worker repeats his statement
back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born
babe???" "Yup. No teeth. No hair. And I think I just
wet my pants."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: THREE WIVES -
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties...
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house, and the
dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from the Southside of
Chicago. He boasted that he told her that her duties
were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for
every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but
by the third day most of the swelling had gone down,
and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough
to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: GOOD/BAD??
GOOD OR BAD One day God was looking down at Earth and
saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes,
it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5%
are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I
had better send down a second angel to get another
opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to
Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went
to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5%
that were good, because He wanted to encourage them,
give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Just wondering, I didn't get one either........
********************************
Did you hear of the little boy who came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"
When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."
"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."
"I won because my guess was the closest."
********************************
Did you hear of the little boy who came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"
When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."
"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."
"I won because my guess was the closest."
********************************
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To
the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top.
You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain
you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
********************************
Directory Assistance
"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young
man said to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the
operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."
********************************
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some ally smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
I WAS TOLD TO SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN I THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
********************************
Good Old Dave
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cab driver says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour
in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.
"Because I married his widow."