Noise Under the Floor
My bathroom is in the back of the house and it's hard to
hear when anyone is on the property.
One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was
the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around
under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the
neighbor's cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping
the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Get out
of there!" and "Stop that!" Finally, the moving stopped so I
finished what I was doing and left for work.
When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the
exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I
turned to my husband and said, "Honey, do the exterminators
crawl around under the house?"
He said, "Sure, why?"
That's when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes
to tell my husband what I had done. He cracked up at the
thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and
shouting, and he said, "It's a good thing he didn't answer
you back or you would have keeled over dead!"
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Weird News
Replica cannon stolen from park
ISLE OF WIGHT, Va. (UPI) -- Authorities in Isle of Wight, Va., said a replica Civil War cannon and a historic sign have been stolen from a park dedicated to the conflict. Isle of Wight County sheriff's 1st Sgt. Paul Phelps said deputies responding to Aug. 19 reports of vandalism at Fort Huger park discovered the cannon and sign missing the next morning, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Wednesday. Phelps said investigators currently have no witnesses or leads in the case and authorities are baffled as to how the cannon, which was displayed on three pedestals behind a low brick wall, was removed from the site. He said deputies are attempting to determine whether the theft of the cannon, which is owned by development company Lawnes Point on the James, was a prank, a history fan's attempt to obtain the piece for a collection or aimed at selling the item as scrap metal.
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Grandma fights $10,500 cell phone bill
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (UPI) -- A North Carolina retiree says she's been battling her phone company since 2006 over a $10,500 bill for calls to an adult chat line she claims she never used. Opal Savage of Charlotte said the majority of her $10,539.72 Verizon Wireless bill came from six weeks worth of calls to chat line Secret Encounters and she is refusing to pay the bill because she claims she is not responsible for them, The Charlotte Observer reported Wednesday. Savage said she believes her number was stolen by someone who used it to make the calls. She said she faults Verizon for failing to notify her when her bill, which is usually about $250, soared into the thousands and topped $10,000. The grandmother said her two grandsons, ages 13 and 17, could not have made the calls without her knowledge. Both have signed sworn affidavits denying they made the calls during the six-week period in 2006. Savage said she is taking her case into the legal arena and filed a police report related to the bill last week.
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Residents: Beagle stealing shoes
WAVELAND, Ind. (UPI) -- People in Waveland, Ind., say a string of bizarre shoe thefts are being blamed on a beagle believed to be taking the shoes to a local fire station. Angie Jeffers said one of her son's shoes disappeared after being left outside overnight and soon turned up near the firehouse, WLFI-TV in Lafayette, Ind., reported Wednesday. Locals said shoes began arriving at the fire department in June and since then only Jeffers and one other person have reported seeing the thief -- a small beagle. "He's a little beagle dog," said Jeffers. "He was laying there in the sun on the ramp, where the firetrucks come out, with a shoe beside him." Acting town marshal Rob Kiger said he also spotted the beagle, who is believed to be a stray, carrying a tennis shoe in his mouth and another curious item on his head. "The shoe bandit beagle came out of the alley and down this street, with a pair of women's underwear on his head," said Kiger. "He turned down the street and headed for the fire department." Officials said the dog, who takes only one shoe at a time and never leaves any bite marks on the items, has proven difficult to capture. "Can't catch him," Kiger said. "A lot of people have tried. But nobody can catch him."
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Police: Taking fountain coins not illegal
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Police in New York said taking change from a fountain in front of City Hall is not illegal after a man was spotted mining the fountain for coins. Witnesses reported a man taking nickels, dimes and quarters that had been thrown into the fountain as a traditional gesture of good luck or wish-making, but police said the practice of taking coins from the fountain is not against the law, the New York Post reported Wednesday. "Unless there are other varying factors, like public drunkenness, then no (it's not a crime)," a police source said. The practice is, however, unusual, said Gene Nervina, 73, whose company handles the plumbing for the fountain. "I've never seen it happen. I find it really odd," Nervina said.
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Postal Service Options
An elderly woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."
He glanced at her and said, "That will be $3.95, please."
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The Band Played OnA band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he left, they could all go home."It's up to you," he answered. "I'm just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."
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Walking Economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
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Last Rites
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
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The Understanding Father
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him about sex. Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He covers a wide and varied assortment of topics and sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."
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Flat Tire
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
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"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so
they won't think something's wrong with me." --Elayne Boosler
***
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist...
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
***
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting
room like everyone else.