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Thanks to LBS for a thoughtful one... Manly joke
A group of girlfriends go on vacation and they see a new five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. A very attractive guy at the front desk explains how the hotel works..... "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside the rooms."
So they start going up and on the 1st floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the 2nd floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This certainly wasn't going to do!
The friends move up to the 3rd floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." They agree that this is good, but there are still 2 more floors! They move on to the 4th floor.
On the 4th floor the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds and are sensitive and attentive to women. They are perfect lovers. They are also single, loyal, rich and straight."
The women seem pleased but they all decide that they would rather see what the 5th floor has to offer before they settle for the 4th.
The women reach the 5th floor but find that there is only a lobby with a sign that reads: "There are no rooms or any men here. This floor was built to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."
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Thanks to LBS: Problems of a Healthy Diet
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
"Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
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Thanks to LBS: If.....
If you can start the day without caffeine,
if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you
any time,
if you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
if you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
if you can face the world without lies and deceit,
if you can conquer tension without medical help,
if you can relax without liquor,
if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
if you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics, THEN, you have reached the same level of development as your dog.