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A middle-aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up.
After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."
The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"
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There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist. "Everything is coming up roses!" he would say.
The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy, as in Murphy's Law, was an optimist. The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist.
He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins'
personalities. "On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to open their gifts. Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, and give the optimist a box of manure." The parents followed these instructions and carefully observed the results.
When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him audibly complaining, "I don't like the color of this computer . . I'll bet this calculator will break . . . I don't like the game . . . I know someone who's got a bigger toy car than this . . ."
Tiptoeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was giggling. "You can't fool me! Where there's this much manure, there's gotta be a pony!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
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I Love Being a Southerner
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Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. _____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." _____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." _____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly." _____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table _____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. _____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! _____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. _____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. _____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. _____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. _____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody! _____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. _____
Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll." _____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. _____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. _____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! _____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. _____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way. _____
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! _____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! _____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could." _____
Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day. |