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Letter From Mom
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she had written:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
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A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
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A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
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DATE: December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ..feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas.
>From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Pat Lewis, Human Researchers Director
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DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Happy now?
Pat Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
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DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patricia Lewis, Human Rat Races
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DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now.....
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Witch
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DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
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Memo from Santa===============I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will nolonger serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North andSouth Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas onChristmas Eve.Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract wasrenegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of thenew and better contract, I also getlonger breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with yourlocal replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,Bubba Claus.His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal ofdelivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a fewdifferences between us.Differences such as:1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents fromBubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker thatreads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave anRC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn'tsmoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit canhandy.3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs insteadof reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer onetime, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when BubbaClaus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliottand Petty."5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also arelikely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have aYosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34thStreet" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in yournegotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg SavesChristmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as BubbaClaus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.And Finally,8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sureyou, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to putpresents under the tree.Sincerely Yours,Santa Claus