Thursday, August 28, 2008

hUMOR For Aug 28th

Customer Service
My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to the bank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..." Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?" Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?" Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX" Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." ( Later, After they have gotten the fax. ) Bank: "Our system just isn't set up to handle this..." Me: "Oh..." Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..." Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...." Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "Would you like her new billing address?" Bank: "That might help." Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233." Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."

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Friendly Argument

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I
married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I
teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested
an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of
love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out
of stupid."

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"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than
marrying a woman half my age." --P.J. O'Rourke

***

"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." --Abe Simpson, The Simpsons

***

"In the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of a few
things that I really wanted to do: The book club. Theater.
Having conversations." --Patricia Heaton

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During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a
note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please
call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before
whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on
the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking
maybe someone from maintenance!"

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The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later,
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide
to call her again?"

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Amazing Invention

Fred turns up for golf with his regular foursome, and on the first tee proudly tees up a hot pink golf ball. His mates all make incredulous noises along the lines of no self-respecting man using pink balls etc.
Fred says "Wait, you don't understand; this is no ordinary golf ball. That color makes it impossible to lose".
"Garbage," says Bill, or words to that effect. "I've been in spots where that would never be seen again."
"Well, in those situations," says Fred, "this ball has direction finding equipment; it emits a loud beep and you just follow the sound until you find it".
This shuts the boys up for a minute till George says "OK smart alec, what about hitting it in the water?"
"Ah, says Fred, that's where it really comes into its own. Its flotation device takes it to the surface, where radio waves sense the nearest bank, and solar powered cells propel it there. You just pick it up and keep playing."
There is a long silence. Finally Harry says in awe, "That's amazing Fred. Where did you get it?"
"I found it," said Fred.

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Potato Sacks
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best. Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

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Dumb Mom
Not all kids think their moms are smart. Did you hear about the five year old boy who was sent to his room by his mother for having a bit of a tantrum and calling her dumb? After about fifteen minutes, the mother went to his room to see if he was repentant. She found that her son had regained his composure. He calmly and politely said to her, "But Mom, you really are dumb."

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Area 51
You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

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You Know it's July in Florida When:
- Hot water comes out of both taps. - You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron. - The trees are whistling for the dogs. - You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window. - The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. - You burn your hand opening the car door. - The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater. - You can make instant sun tea. - Shade determines the best parking space, not distance. - Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. - When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat. - Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter. - You discover that asphalt has a liquid state. - You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

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