"I bet you think twice before you leave your wife alone at
night," chided one man to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up
a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she
can't go with me."
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Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to
allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the
grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as
she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the
newspaper will print your age."
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Justice Redefined
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You gave me $15,000. And you gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to the first lawyer. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
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"First Day Answer"
Vernie came home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
Vernie replied, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
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CleanQuote
"Painting is poetry which is seen and not heard, and poetry is a painting which is heard and not seen."- Leonardo Da Vinci
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Illustration - "Giving" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?" "Yes."
"And if you had a cow?" "Absolutely."
"And a goat?" "Sure."
"A pig?" "Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"
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A Day in CourtA woman was on trial for killing her husband. All the jurors but one voted to convict her. The one juror was so determined that the woman should be found innocent that she eventually was able to change the mind of all the others, and they all voted "not guilty."Afterwards, the juror who had held out for the innocent vote was questioned by reporters, who asked her how she could have been so certain the woman on trial was innocent. She replied, "Well, I don't know. I guess I just felt sorry for her. After all, she is a widow."
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The Clown's Dog
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor. The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.” This news saddened the clown immensely. “I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears. “Why not?” asked the doctor. The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”
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Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
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Camel Questions
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
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Blonde Horses Around
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
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The Wayside Chapel
An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for
a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there
the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would
recommended any. He took her to see several rooms, and when
everything was settled she returned home to make final
preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the
thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a
Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately
wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a
"W.C." near the room.
The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked
the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C."
and the only solution they could come up with for the
letters was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote
the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with
her room.
Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a
"W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner
of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely
grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open
on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many
people expected during the summer months, I would suggest
that you come early, although there is usually plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation,
particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You
will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their
lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford
to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise
your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ
accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most
delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you
to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it
was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush
there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually
reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression
on their faces.
The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy
resident of the district, which rings every time a person
enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush
seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt
want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly:
it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains
her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to
reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will
be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so
that they will not disturb the elders.
Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster
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Weird News
N.Y. man has McCain's name, Obama's looks
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man says he shares something in common with both major U.S. presidential candidates -- John McCain's name and Barack Obama's looks. The 40-year-old musician -- whose name just happens to be John McCain, same as the Arizona senator who is the Republican nominee -- said he repeatedly has been told he looks like Obama, the Democratic nominee, the New York Daily News reported. "I travel to Europe a lot, and a few people have said I look like Obama," the lesser-known McCain said. "When people ask me my name, I always say John McCain, like the senator." While McCain says he has not used his famous name and face for any sort of advantage, he admits it comes in handy when calling radio talk shows. "Once I mention that I'm interracial and my name is John McCain, they put me right through," he told the Daily News.
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Police: Scam forced marital lie from man
OCALA, Fla. (UPI) -- A 27-year-old man told his wife he had been robbed to avoid revealing he actually had been tricked by a scam artist, police in Florida say. Marion County sheriff's deputies said Mario Oscar Carlos initially told authorities he and his wife he had been robbed of $8,000 in cash, but the man allegedly later confessed to making the story up to avoid embarrassment, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported. A police report alleged that after officers noticed inconsistencies in his robbery account, Carlos admitted he actually lost the money to a spiritual healer. Carlos allegedly told police the healer told him to place the cash inside a sock so it could be blessed and then put it in the trunk of his car. He said when he checked on the money Friday, he found the cash-filled sock had been replaced by one filled with only $50, the report alleged. The Star-Banner said for his marital and legal lie, police charged Carlos with filing a false police report.