A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking
hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small
piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know
what to say!"
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Back To School
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to
return to college and get the degree I had started but never
finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with
anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front
row seat in my first class in over 40 years--a literature
course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading
five books over the course of the semester, and that he
would provide us with a list of authors from which we could
choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and
began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I
felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just
taking attendance!"
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New Math?
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
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We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
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Unscheduled Outage
It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits. "Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech. Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over. The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"
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More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
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Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a
local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area
outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and
stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two
flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently
processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The
computer is over there."
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Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud to
his friend waiting for him in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new
man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home to
the same old one."
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When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don
Johnson/"Miami Vice" look. Now that I'm in my forties, though, it tends to
make me look more like Otis from Mayberry. - Tom Gray
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START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
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"Homework Problem"
One of my third-graders came to school crying. "Jonathan's upset because he couldn't complete his math homework," his mother explained.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Apparently," she said, "our computer doesn't have Roman numerals."
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CleanQuote
"The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip."
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"For Better, For Worse" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."
"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.
"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
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Dalmatian Duties
A carpool mom was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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Dear Tide...
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.