Amazing Discovery
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time,
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
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Excuses, excuses, excuses
The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.
- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
-
- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
- Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
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Pied Piper
A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up to him and began to speak.
"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your interest in the statue. It's only five dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty." The man turned back around and looked in shock.
"Let me get this straight. If I buy the statue and the story behind it, I'll be paying fifty-five dollars. But if I can bear to live without the story, I'll only pay five?" The Shopkeeper grinned and nodded. Not believing what a bargain he'd got, the man quickly paid and walked out of the store.
A few moments later, he noticed that a lone rat was following him. He shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping it would leave. When he looked back again, some five minutes later, he saw that the number of rodents had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned back to his path and continued walking.
When he looked around the third time, he saw thousands of rats following him. Horribly frightened, the man rushed to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw the statue as far out to sea as he possibly could. The rats followed the statue, sinking into the waves like stones.
The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in shock. When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little chuckle. He had a smug grin on his face as he said, "I expect you've come back to buy the story." The shopkeeper held out his hand for the fifty dollars.
The customer looked confused for a second, then said. "Heck no! I wanna know if you've got a statue of a politician!"
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Did They Mean to Say That
- On a
- In a
- In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
- In a
- In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."
- On a
- On a
- At a number of military bases: "Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."
- In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."
- On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
- In the window of a
- In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan.
- On a window of a
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Fast Food
A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes. "I'll have a 'jumbo jet,'" he said. When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway. He called his waiter over.
"Are you sure that was the 'jumbo jet?'" he asked.
"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"
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Child of the 80's
Are you a child of the 80's? If you exhibit any of the following, you
probably are:
"You might be a child of the 80's if..."
1. You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird Al" Yankovic song.
2. A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid."
3. The three words, "Atari," "IntelliVision" and "Coleco" all sound familiar.
4. You remember when hooking your computer into your television was
the only way to use it.
5. You still occasionally hum a Debbie Gibson tune.
6. You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.
7. You remember when they actually played videos on MTV.
8. At one time, your hair became something that could only be
described as, "I was experimenting."
9. You see teenagers today wearing the same clothes you wore at that
age and they still look bad.
10. One of your biggest regrets was not being able to participate in the 60's.
11. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate
plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999"
by Prince over and over again.
12. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
13. Although you hate to admit it, you just don't understand half the
lingo that today's kids use.
14. You knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the
Fire," but it didn't hold any meaning for you until the third verse.
15. You can remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T
involve 19,000 selections to choose from.
16. Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to
irritate you by calling you "Sir" or "Ma'am."
17. You're starting to realize that getting carded while buying
alcohol is a good thing.
18. You know who shot J.R.
19. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in a Madonna, Duran
Duran or Cyndi Lauper video.
20. There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily
went by the names of "Skip," "Buffy," "Muffy," or "Dexter."
21. You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding on
22. The phrase, "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
23. You remember thinking the special effects in the movie "Tron"
were the best ever.
24. You're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and
aren't really for someone going through a mid-life crisis.
25. Finally, this rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."
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Snow Parking
Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be
Harry got up from his coffee and replied "Well, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their morning cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Harry got up from his coffee and replied, "Well, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went off and Harry didn't get the rest of the instructions. He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now, Martha?"