You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely
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"Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen"
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
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CleanQuote
"Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody."- Ambrose Bierce
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Illustration - "Manners" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband--the fat one."
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Personal Injury LawyerI was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called them and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?""When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling. Someone from our office will be along shortly."
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Playing The Part
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
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"Also winning a Nobel Prize was a scientist who won an award
for chemistry. He won the award for understanding how iron
rusts. There’s a cocktail party you don’t want to miss."
-Jay Leno
***
"Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York
City. Well, we need more trees, because currently, squirrels
have to wait until another squirrel dies before they can move
into a tree." -David Letterman
***
"This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on 'The View.'
It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said,
Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.'" -Conan O'Brien
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When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our
vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite
place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was
at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evening the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They
would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one Legend
always stuck in my mind.
It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes
made their homes. They were, however, at war, with one
another from years before.
There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with
a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand, on the
shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant
Indian love calls to each other...even though they were
warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it.
One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.
That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into
the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When
they reached each other in the center of the Lake, they
embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so im-
pressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the
young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent
at "Lake Stupid".
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Mushroom-Smothered Steak
Five couples in a neighborhood decided to get together on a
regular basis and socialize. As a result, they formed a
dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different
neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the
dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to
outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best
that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook
and decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. When she went
to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price was
far more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband,
"I think we aren't going to have mushrooms because they are
too expensive."
He said , "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick
some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in
the creek bed."
She said, "No, I have heard that wild mushrooms can be
poisonous."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating
them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try
and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and
picked some mushrooms. She brought them back home and
washed, sliced, and diced them to get them ready to go over
her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and
got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double
handful, putting a mess of bacon grease on them to make them
tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every
bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild
mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use
them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady
she knew from town to come out and help her serve. She had
on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first
class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick
back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the
women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen
and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot
just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After
she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but being
this early we can take care of it. I will call for an
ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep
them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren
as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got
there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and
a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One
by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last
one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now," and he left. They looked
pretty peaked sitting around the living room.
About that time, the hired lady from town came in and said,
"You know, I think the fellow that drove the ambulance looks
just like the one who ran over Spot an hour ago, but he
didn't stop so I can't be certain."
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Helmsman Training
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"