Oneliner
"Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups."
CleanPun - "Menu Question"
My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in
Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.
The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."
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School Photograph
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
Vernie at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher ... she's dead."
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”Asking Questions”
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation ;)
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Summer Job Hunt
My brother wanted me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check
with my boss, my friends, my business associates.
Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the
employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section
of the newspaper.
I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.
He said, "A self-starter!"
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Weird News
Mayor wins quarter-million in lottery
LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (UPI) -- The mayor of
Rex Millsaps, 57, who works as an accountant in addition to his part-time mayoral duties, said his winnings will go toward his daughter's wedding and detailing his pickup truck, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported.
Millsaps said he will give the remaining money to his children and grandchildren.
The mayor said he checked the numbers from the drawing Saturday and called his wife to tell her he had matched the first five numbers of the winning combination.
"She didn't believe me," he said. "I ended up taking it back to the store, and the computer said to go immediately to the lottery office."
Millsaps, who said he plans to run for re-election in November, said his prize would have been $16 million if he had matched the Mega Ball number, 32. He said his ticket bore the number 34 in the Mega Ball category.
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Bride's vomit fear delays wedding
Emma Pelling, 19, said she has been unable to go through with her wedding to Gareth Heal because she suffers from emetophobia, an intense fear of vomiting, The Telegraph reported.
"I have this recurring nightmare of being ill as a bride, running out of the church and abandoning my husband at the altar," Pelling said.
Pelling, who said her fear has kept her from visiting places where she has vomited in the past, said she has sought the help of a hypnotherapist to help cure her of the phobia.
"I want to make it a special day for both of us. I hope the hypnotherapist can cure me so I can enjoy our special day without the fear of being ill," she said.
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Snake gives biologist the slip
Biologist Jessy Coltrane said she took in the 8-inch-long snake, named Grubb, after it was found Friday in an
However, she said the snake, which is not dangerous to humans, disappeared from its terrarium Tuesday.
Coltrane said Grubb is likely hiding somewhere in the vicinity of her home. She said that during the days it was in her house, it did little other than burrow.
The biologist said experts are unsure of how the baby snake ended up in
"It could be an escaped pet, or it could have come from an escaped female that laid eggs," she said.
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Free funeral for baseball fan
GRAND PRAIRIE, Texas (UPI) -- A woman who won a free funeral at a
Elaine Fulps, 60, bested other Grand Prairie Airhogs fans in a competition that included a pallbearer's race, a mummy wrap and a eulogy delivery at Tuesday's game, The Dallas Morning News reported.
Fulps said she performed all of the feats while wearing a neck brace related to multiple medical problems that have led to about 20 surgeries.
"I almost croaked many times," Fulps said.
"God still has me around for a reason," she said. "To win a funeral."
The $10,000 funeral, part of the American Association of Independent Professional Baseball team's All Hogs Go to Heaven promotion, will be provided by the Chapel of Roses Funeral Home.
Fulps said she plans to meet soon with funeral home officials to work out the details of her prize, which includes a free headstone and burial plot.
"I'm going to pick a spot under a tree out of the
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An Easy Enough Mistake
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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Learning Today
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
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Pronouns
Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!
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Feel Better Now
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
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Goodbye, Mom
I was shopping at Walmart and noticed a little old lady
following me around. I stopped; she stopped. Furthermore,
she kept staring at me. She finally overtook me at the
checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I hope I haven't
made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much
like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mom,' as
I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her
way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at me.
Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's
day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
Shocked, I asked, "How come so much!? I only bought five
items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be
paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little old ladies!!!
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"The Chief's Wife"
"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."
The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain