Ant Humor
What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!
What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!
What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!
What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!
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Simple Home Remedies
- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
- Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
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Unspeakable
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."
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Babysitting
Lindy was babysitting grandson Jake when he was about four
years old. They were outside swinging on his slide swing.
They were just talking and talking. Then he became very
quiet and was looking straight up into the sky, so Lindy
said nothing and waited.
What came out of his mouth next she will treasure forever:
"You know, Grandma, this is just like we are on a little
date!"
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Little League Game
Coming home from his Little League game, Vernie swung open the front
door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately
wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Vernie said. "I was responsible for the
winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
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Be Careful What You Pray For
As song leader for my church in
preparing for Sunday morning. I had planned on playing my
guitar, but my electronic tuner was missing. "Maybe I left
it in the car," I thought. Heading out to the garage, I
passed my husband in the living room, watching TV. "Please
pray that I find my tuner," I mentioned out loud and then I
asked God to help me find it.
As I searched through the car, I didn't find anything in the
back seat, but when I reached under the front seat, I pulled
out a can of tuna.
My husband heard my laughter from all the way in the house
and came out to the garage. "Honey," I chuckled, "the Lord
sure answered that prayer --
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"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to
pull a sled through snow." -Jeff Valdez
***
"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,
'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the
groom." -David Gunter
***
"My sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow! She got
wheeled out of delivery, looked at me, and said, 'Adopt.'"
-Caroline Rhea
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My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state
trooper pulled us over as we were driving through
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked
when he walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the
officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires
out?"
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A woman, her husband, and their three rambunctious young sons
were in their car waiting at a traffic. The woman glanced
over at the car next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother
with her baby daughter.
Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight
from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."
The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of
snacks, and said, "Here, have another cookie."
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A Lobster Story
In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!"
The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?"
The Newfie says " What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"
The Newfie says, " What Lobsters?"
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Neighbor's Barking
Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this'
Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'
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Wanda's Dishwasher
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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Ole Mac
A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.