I've been having trouble concentrating lately. I think I have that attention
deficit whatever.
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"Sleeping Leg"
A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep". Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress .
Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"
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CleanQuote
"People have one thing in common: They are all different."- Robert Zend, Writer
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Which Service Is "The Best"A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over and killed instantly.
Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on earth and welcome to Heaven."
Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note... trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY :
TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3. Being a serviceman in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.
Sincerely,
GOD – U S Army, (Retired)
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Landing RequestThere's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down."Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Too much analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, "Hello." The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
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In the News
Brookpark, Ohio: Burglars recently broke in to an unoccupied
house that was being renovated for sale. Among the items
they stole were roofing shingles, a lawn mower, weed
whackers, and lumber.
They broke into a storage area under the deck and also a
shed in the back. Before leaving, though, they mowed the
lawn of the residence.
Neighbors report seeing strange men walking around the home,
but they never called the police because they figured the
men were hired to do the lawn.
The owners are quoted as saying they will leave a pressure
washer and painting equipment for the thieves next week as
they did a better job than the lawn care company they had
hired, and they were cheaper also.
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Dieting makes me hungry.
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"Fishing Advice"
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
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Oneliner
"I'm in great shape for a man of 65 years - it's too bad I'm only 42."
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CleanPun - "Tea"
George loved tea. He'd always come over for several cups. He had an insatiable thirst. He became such a nuisance that we decided to fix him.
To cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with the stuff. One day we forced him to drink ten pots of tea.
As he staggered off, we laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots in a tea pest.
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Speeding RegistrationOn a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration."I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.
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”Dog Poker”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker."Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks."Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies."Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."
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Proof E equal to one
Theorem: e=1Proof:2*e = f2^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = 1 Therefore:2^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)2=fThus:e=1
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Physical training job
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers. "I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!" After a few minutes, one of the men stopped. "Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer. "If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
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100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to groundFF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the busFF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to groundFE buckets of bits on the bus
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For The Kids...
Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see! Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?Because the poor didn't have anything worth stealing! Why did Eve want to move to New York?She fell for the Big Apple! Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.School Secretary: Who is this?Pupil: This is my father speaking!
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Elderly Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old
man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that
night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
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His aching back made it impossible for my friend's husband
to get a decent night's rest on their lumpy mattress. "Until
I feel better, I'm going to sleep on the couch," he
announced.
Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn't a good
sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn't resist: "Okay,
but as soon as we have an argument you're back in our bed."