hUMOR For Aug 23rd

A fellow and his wife living in Houston, Texas, where the

people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of

twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th

of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife,

"We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of

alligence".

His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going

through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We are

going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane".

Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compro-

mise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The

man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling

tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart.

Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest

in them. He would take one out on a date but he was never

sure which one he was with.

He decided he would marry at least one of them, but he wasn't

sure which one he would marry.

He went to the girls father and explained his quandry.

"I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I

can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you...

Give me Liberty or give me Beth."

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Weird News

Griffin theft has couple's claws out

ANNAPOLIS, Md. (UPI) -- A couple in Annapolis, Md., is furious that a group of teenagers allegedly stole a statue of a griffin from their front lawn.

Patricia Shema said she and her husband, Malcolm, were shocked to find several teens had managed to steal the nearly 4-foot-tall statue of the mythical beast, which is half-bird and half-lion, The (Annapolis, Md.) Capital said.

"I'm tired of 'kids being kids' -- of them having no idea of right or wrong and having no idea of personal property," she said. "I'm not looking for restitution, I'm looking for a permanent record."

Shema said the statue, which was taken Wednesday night, was specially made out of wood for the couple and would cost more than $2,000 to replace.

She said there was something of a silver lining for her -- the statue had been colonized by ants and she's hoping the critters have made themselves a nice home in the vehicle the thieves used to cart it away from her home.

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Alligator evades capture

ATLANTA (UPI) -- A small alligator is believed to be still lurking in Georgia's Lake Lanier, state wildlife officials say.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that although officials don't consider the alligator a threat to lake visitors, they want to move the creature to more suitable habitat in south Georgia.

Scott Frazier, a Department of Natural Resources game manager and wildlife biologist, said the 3- to 4-foot alligator has yet to show up in baited traps set last week.

"As far as I know, he's still out there unless someone has gathered him up without our knowledge," Frazier was quoted as saying. "The traps are still out there."

The alligator was first sighted last month in the Flat Creek area of Lake Lanier.

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Would-be robber leaves payoff

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) -- A would-be robber forgot to take his payoff from a coin-operated machine he crashed into in Fort Worth, Texas, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram says.

The unidentified suspect crashed a truck into the machine at a Fort Worth gas station, managing to knock the machine's collection box free, but then fled the scene without taking the booty, the newspaper said.

The Aug. 2 incident marked the second time this year such a botched theft occurred at the Fort Worth station, the Telegram said.

The station's car wash was targeted some weeks ago by a would-be robber who left behind a collection box full of coins after it was broken free.

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Fla. mayor shares alleged mobster's name

ST. PETE BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Michael Finnerty, mayor of St. Pete Beach, Fla., says he'd rather not be mistaken for the Michael Finnerty recently indicted as a Gotti crime family figure.

Florida's Finnerty was alerted to the plight of his namesake when a reporter called asking if he was the man accused of violating racketeering laws as an associate of John Gotti Jr. He said "no," then joked, "Put those handcuffs on me, baby," the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported..

The mistake might have been made because both Finnertys are from the New York area, but the mayor is 60 while the indicted Finnerty is 43. And Mayor Finnerty pointed out he's not from New York City but from Fort Monmouth, N.J., the newspaper said.

"I guess the potato famine brought over all the Finnertys (from Ireland)," the mayor told the Times. "It takes all kinds of Michael Finnertys to make the world go 'round. I'm the craziest one around, though, because I'm the mayor."

The closest Mayor Finnerty said he's come sharing a mob connection was in an episode of the "The Sopranos" in which mob figure Tony Soprano has been shot and dreams his name is Michael Finnerty.

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Musical Burglar

There was a burglar who broke into an electronics warehouse and was filling his bags with various telephones when he heard police sirens getting nearer. He fled to a nearby music hall where a concert was going on and hid among the horn section.

The police wandered through but were unable to find him among the musicians..

He fit right in, having those Sacks O' Phones..

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And you think lawyers don't have hearts.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

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Good Samaritan

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan
to her class of 4 & 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as
possible to keep the children interested in her tale.

At one point, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."