During a hike with my friend I noticed a black bird roosting
in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what the difference
is between a crow and a raven," I said.
"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my
friend explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If it's
five, it's a raven."
"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue what
he was talking about.
"Oh yes," he replied, "the difference is just a matter of a
pinion."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Arranged Marriage
The son came home from school and asked his father, "Today I learned that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Dad replied, "That happens in most countries, son."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Your Parrot Is Dead, Senor!Doling out bad news in manageable portions...
At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”“Si, Senor, that's the one.”“Damn, that's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”“Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?”“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”“Dead horse? What dead horse?”“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”“Are you insane? What water cart?”“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”“What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”“Yes, Senor Rod...”“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!”“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club.”SILENCE... LONG SILENCE... “Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep #*@&!@*#$%^!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Beijing Olympics FakebookClassics in the Wong Time and the Wong Placesee also Olympic Section
A Stranger in my Own Home Tong A Whole Lhasa Shakin' Goin' On Beijing the Beguine Beijing Went the Strings of My Heart Canton Races China, China, Harvest Moon Commie Irresponsible Dimsum On the Ceiling Ginseng in the Duck Gong With the Wind Great Wall's Afire! Hello Dalai I’m Getting Sent a Mai Tai Over You In The Coolie Coolie Coolie Of The Evening If You Knew Suey Like I Know Suey It Might As Well Beijing It Was Szechuan of Those Things Kimono My House Mao Swell Ming To Me Mr. Sampan (Bring Me a Dream) Mu-Shu-Tang Sally Oolong Has This Been Going On? Peking Whoopee Red Sails in the Sun Yat Sen Rice Work If You Can Get It Send in the Kowloons Shanghai the Moon Shrimp Toast Is A-Comin' Spring Roll Be a Little Late This Year Starch Fell On Alabama Tea For 1.4 Billion The Mandarin I Love The Mao I See You The Suey With the Fringe On Top Tibet Is Yet To Come Tickee To Ride Tien An Men Hands Try a Little Tenderizer Turn Out The SARS Wokking My Baby Back Home Wonton-a-Mera Yangtze Doodle Dandy You Gotta Acc-U-Punc-Tu-Ate the Positive
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things You Should Know But Don’tWhat astronauts don't do to protect their space suits…see also Language Section
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.9. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.10. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.15. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller 'lower case' letters.16. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time – the 1st instance of multi-tasking.17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.21. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.22. It took Leonardo DaVinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.29. Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.