Computer Crashed
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is
down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know
that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away.
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If Noah had to build the ark in 2006, his story may have
gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am
going to make it rain, and the rain shall not stop until it
submerges the entire earth and all living flesh is
destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save the righteous
people and two of every living species on earth. Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's
wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete and fill the
Ark in one year's time."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into turmoil. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me, " cried Noah. "I did my best, but
there were big problems.
"First I had to get a permit for construction, and your
plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans.
"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the
Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation
devices.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really
needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me take the two owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I
have 16 carpenters on the Ark but still no owls.
"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of
each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the
idea.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed by the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building
the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
the state some kind of user tax that I owe them and that I
failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the Earth, it's a religious event, and
therefore unconstitutional.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five
or six years."
Noah waited.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."
+++++++++++++++++++
Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
Microsoft rights to the TV dinner. You may not give anyone else a bite of
your dinner as outlined in the TV Dinner Piracy section of the user
agreement. You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and
are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the
oven using the command line:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner, the weight of the dinner, the desired level of cooking and press
start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly
to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your
equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken XP variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken XP is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue support for all smaller
versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the
larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Chicken XP. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled
in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
No other company is allowed to create items to be used with Microsoft
dinners without first partnering with Microsoft. This is solely to protect
the consumer and is not intended to impede progress and creativity in the
dinner industry. This includes, but is not limited to desert.
You may not play a game or use an application while you eat your Microsoft
dinner unless that game or application was designed by a Microsoft partner
and is certified by Microsoft to be %100 compatible with your Microsoft
dinner.
You are only leasing your Microsoft dinner, you agree to not "reverse
engineer" your Microsoft dinner or send it out of the country. You may store
one backup Microsoft dinner for personal use.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is always complaining about how I blow my nose into the towel after
I finish toweling off. Apparently, Little Miss Lack of Foresight doesn't
realize that after a few days, I'm no longer just drying off, I'm
exfoliating.