Library Order
A lady walks into a building and says to the clerk, " I'd like a cheeseburger, a drink, and fries."
The clerk says, "This is a library."
Then the lady whispers, "Sorry, I'd like a cheeseburger, a drink and fries.
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Work Motivators
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
- We waste time, so you don't have to.
- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Succeed in spite of management.
- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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The Name Game
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
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Strange Facts
"The first coast-to-coast telephone line was established in 1914."
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The Marriage Fairy
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
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Fitness Class
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an
aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled
with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness
with humor.
"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises."
The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your
baby?"
"Twenty-six," I replied.
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Jump Start
About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to
work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand
to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas
guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed
out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it
needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine,
hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute
passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at
about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear
with my directions.
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What NOT To Give Her For Valentines Day
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to
hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high
fiber" on the label.
3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.
4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a
mortuary's.
5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from
the harder side of Sears.
6. A gift certificate.
7. Cash.
8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station
mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
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Irish Capital
Do you know why there is so many people living in
It’s because the population in the capital is always
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Poppop's Nose
The other day my five year old grandson was lounging on my lap.
* Him: "Poppop, you have hair in your nose."
* Me: "Everybody has hair in their nose."
* Him: "But you have a lot of hair in your nose."
* Me: "Well, it's not growing on top of my head very well. I have to grow it somewhere."
* Him: (thoughtful pause) "Do you want me to pull some of it out for you?"
I declined the offer.
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Important Lesson
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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Hillbilly Silence
Two
"How're thangs with y'all, Pete?" one asked.
"Not bad atall," Pete replied. "My old woman ain't talkin' sto me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her."
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"Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her
strapless pantsuit." -David Letterman
***
"Last week, prison guards had to use tear gas to break up
prison riots in
the guards sprayed the prisoners with
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Happy birthday to Gary Coleman. He turns 40! It seems like
just yesterday he was only this tall." -Craig Ferguson
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Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for
a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the in-
evitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter
if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that
far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
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Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who
had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late
in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down
on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,
fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon
boating or playing golf or tennis...
When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the
finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my
veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be
envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She
asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."