Golf PartnersA fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?""Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife."Well," says the husband, "Neither would Tom O'Brien."
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"Ice Capades"
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.
She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
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Oneliner
"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
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Wet Letters"
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet...
he said "postage dew".
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Firearm StatsU.S. Gun Control Plan from the Australian Shooter Magazine...
“If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.The firearm death rate in Washington DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq.Conclusion? The U.S. should pull out of Washington.”
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Golfer’s Helping Hand-icapDistraction therapy can work wonders for your golf game!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.”“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, “How does that feel?”He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!”
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At the end of the college year, a star football player
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late
night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became
captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a
conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said.
"What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27
in the city and 38 on the highway."
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”Fishing Mirror”
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
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At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an
F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into
the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the
top of the ramp points out the various controls and
gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's
capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all
he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Could I have a
quarter?"
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After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the
previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat
down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an
affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back here."
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"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their nuclear
research program. In fact, France and Germany warned Iran that if they
didn't stop their program they would, you know, warn them again." - Jay Leno