Thursday, September 04, 2008

hUMOR For Sept 4th

Unusual Dog
A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"

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A Healthy Life
Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

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Where We Went Wrong
The old Sioux chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events in New York, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.

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I'd had enough of my employees' abusing their allotted break
time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign
on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute
breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."

***

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He
stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was
a dog!

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Stormy weather diverted our Dallas-bound flight to another
airport. As we approached the runway, the pilot came on the
intercom: "For those of you who are not familiar with the
area, this is Lubbock, Texas." Then he paused. "And for
those of you who are familiar with this area, I think this
is Lubbock, Texas."

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My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a
strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One
day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my belly-
button pierced. "No way!" my father fired back. "This is an
Air Force family -- no navel destroyers are allowed!"

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Chasing The Cat

A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife's birthday. They'd gotten ready - all dressed up - put the cat out, and called a cab.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat ran back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he said, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

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Store Safety"
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."

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CleanQuote
"Memories and mistakes should be guideposts, not hitching posts."- Paul Powers

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Illustration - "Wit's End Corner" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
~~ Wit's End Corner ~~Are you standing at "Wits End Corner",Christian, with troubled brow?Are you thinking of what is before you,And all your bearing now?Does all the world seem against you,And you in the battle alone?Remember-at "Wits End Corner,"Is just where God's power is shown.Are you standing at "Wits End Corner",Blinded with wearing pain,Feeling you can not endure it,You cannot bear the strain,Bruised through the constant suffering,Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?Remember at "Wits End Corner"Is where Jesus loves to come.Are you standing at "Wits End Corner",Your work before you spread,All lying begun, unfinished,And pressing on heart and head,Longing for strength to do it,Stretching out trembling hands?Remember - at "Wits End Corner,The burden bearer stands.Are you standing at "Wits End Corner?Then you're just in the very spot,To learn the wondrous resourcesOf Him who faileth not:No doubt to a brighter pathwayYour footsteps will soon be moved,But only at "Wits End Corner"Is the "God who is able" proved.
- Antoinette Wilson

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Fast Food
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

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Weird News

Bigfoot hoaxers beat feet
ATLANTA (UPI) -- The alleged corpse of Bigfoot has been ruled a hoax and now the perpetrators appear to just as elusive as the mythical creature. The Searching for Bigfoot Web site said the frozen form two Atlanta men had claimed last week was Sasquatch was really just a costume, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported Tuesday. Now the men, former Clayton County police officer Matthew Whitton and car salesman Rick Dyer, aren't being quite so talkative, reported the newspaper, which said its calls to them weren't returned. The Web site said the hoax was revealed when the block of ice containing the figure melted during the weekend and the pair later confessed it was only a costume. Whitton, 28, had been on medical leave after being shot in the wrist by a robbery suspect this year, but was fired after his boss heard about the charade. "He's disgraced himself, he's an embarrassment to the Clayton County Police Department, his credibility and integrity as an officer is gone, and I have no use for him," Chief Jeffrey Turner said. "His behavior is unbecoming of that of a police officer."
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Fleeing robber drops ID
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Police chasing a suspected shoplifter in New York got a break when the man discarded a wallet holding his identification and his alleged victim's credit cards. Trent Jones allegedly worked with an accomplice last week at the Pioneer Market in Manhattan. Police believe he took a wallet from an 81-year-old widow's pocketbook while his buddy talked to her about tomatoes, the New York Post reported. When the woman realized her wallet was gone, managers at the store helped her look for the suspects on store surveillance tapes. They then looked out the door and saw the two men they had just seen on tape hanging out across the street. Jeremy Diaz, one of the managers, said the accomplice jumped on a bus and escaped. The other man ran into traffic on Lexington Avenue and was hit by a car but was able to keep running. As he ran, he allegedly tossed the wallet, apparently to get rid of incriminating evidence. But the contents identified him as Trent Jones, 25.