Translation
A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an
exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a
vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the
language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it
played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of
high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
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"Funeral Music"
At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
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CleanQuote
"I would never want to reach out someday with a soft, uncallused hand -- a hand never dirtied by serving and shake the nail-pierced hand of Jesus." - Bill Hybels
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"Secrets"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye before whispering, "We have monsters in our sewer."
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I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote
this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you
call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to
access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
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A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the
head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor
as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a
local phase we use in the part of the country I come from.
The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your
building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming
through the door right now."