Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?" "Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."
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Questions About the 2010 Olympics
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010
Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking
questions. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada
were posted on an International Tourism Website.
(Frightening, isn't it?)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow
the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you
send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and
Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here, and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. It is tall and very violent, eating
the brains of anyone walking close to it. You can scare it
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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Honest LawyerAn investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $150,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?"The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
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Pick Up Line
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Colorful Love
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned. 'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'
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Is It Love?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
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Three Sisters
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled. The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?" The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity
drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is
over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.
Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno
***
"She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old
woman was out for a walk in the country when she was
attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd
because usually British food attacks you after you eat it."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"It seems like every couple of weeks McDonald's is making
their menu more diet friendly. They're now offering a third
of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of
a pound. Don't worry... you get a pretty good workout at
the ketchup pump." -Dave Letterman
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The Dean of admissions at Bates College in Maine reads through
reams of applications from nervous high school seniors, some
maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few...
"If there is a single word to describe me, that word would be
'profectionist'."
"I was abducted into the National Honor Society."
"I function well as an individual and a group."
"Mathematics has hung like a stork around my neck."