Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approached an ice cream van and said, "I'd like two
scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir,
but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of
chocolate."
"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of
chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl said. "We have no
chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he insisted.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will
you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla'?"
The man spelled, "V-A-N."
"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"
"OK. 'S-T-R-A-W.'"
"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in 'chocolate.'"
The man hesitated and then looked confused as he replied,
"There is no stink in chocolate."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screamed.
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When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a
temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence
unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned
officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I
figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.
However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An
attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are
thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your
erasure."
So I did.
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While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a
cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for
him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the
snow."
The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"
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"The House of Representatives just passed a bill, a $70 billion tax cut on
capital gains. This is called the 'no millionaire left behind act.'" - David
Letterman
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Nail BitingTwo elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day."I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said."Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick.""What did you do?""I hid his teeth!"
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A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I
tell you." So I didn't.
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"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He
prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working."
-Fred Marcum
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"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up." --Unknown
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As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did
research at night. I would usually take a break around eight,
however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a
teammate.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a
master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed
one opponent after another, and after six games we were
undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom
wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
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Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's
reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."
"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to
him. "What is your first name?"
"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got
it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
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Three Holy Men and a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week
for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided
to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find
me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me
and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became
as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had
one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his
best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled
down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to
a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best
way to start."
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Separation
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?" The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."
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For The Kids...
What happened at the vampires race? It finished neck and neck! What's a vampire's favourite drink?A bloody mary! Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?It had a nervous breakdown! What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?"Auld Fang Syne"!