Answering machine message 01
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
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Answering machine message 02
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
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Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
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Answering machine message 04
Owner is a hard-to-reach person: Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.
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Answering machine message 05
Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
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Answering machine message 06
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
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Answering machine message 07
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
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Answering machine message 08
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
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Answering machine message 09
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!
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Answering machine message 10
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
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Answering machine message 11
Computer style monotone: Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP
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Answering machine message 12
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
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Answering machine message 13
Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
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Answering machine message 14
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
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Answering machine message 15
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Answering machine message 16
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
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Answering machine message 17
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
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Answering machine message 18
Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
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Answering machine message 19
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.
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Answering machine message 21
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
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Answering machine message 22
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
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Answering machine message 23
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
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Answering machine message 24
Computer generated voices:1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
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Answering machine message 25
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.2: Nobody expects an answering machine.1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.1: Oops! And your message message.2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.1: And time you called.2: Oh, great, we'll have to start over.1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
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Answering machine message 26
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message...
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Answering machine message 27
Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra": Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.
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Answering machine message 28
Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".