Buckets of Bits
100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus
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Drugs Disillusion
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,”You’re cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”
She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”
The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”
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What is the Time?
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
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Ways to Tell You're a New Father
- Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
- The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
- You are used to doing everything one-handed.
- The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
- The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
- Your idea of romance is hand-holding.
- You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
- You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color
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Tiny Lizard
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
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Salespeople
How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
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Mistaken Identity
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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Chicken Farmer
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens.
"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."
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Art vs Science
A scientist and a poet were traveling in the same
compartment on a train. They had never met before, so
naturally there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the
window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist
was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know
so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist
was so bored that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to
play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was
doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window,
humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist,
who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a
game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you
give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't
answer it, I'll give YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided
against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very
bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who by this time was going mad, tried a final
time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't
answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and
if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't
totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the
scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the
Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the
answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question.
He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the
scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and
promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought
about this for a few minutes and then asked, "All right,
what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on
four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face.
He thought about this for a long time, taking out his
notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up
on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia
Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly
watching the mountains of
scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a
$50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to
the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me!
What's the answer?" The poet looked at the scientist and
calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
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"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter
O'Malley. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's
the way it is - we go through life doing nothing for each
other." --Gene Autry
***
"Start by doing what's necessary, then do what's possible,
and suddenly you are doing the impossible."
-Francis of
***
"It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he'd
already been dead for a year." -Tom Lehrer
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A priest is driving down to
speeding in
on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why
do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"