"President Bush will not concede that global warming may
have something to do with this crazy weather though he has
been conducting all official business wearing floaties."
--Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Yesterday President Bush spoke about his immigration bill.
And he said, this is a quote, 'The political process is two
steps forward, one step back.' Then Bush said, 'It's just
like the Hokey Pokey.'" -Conan O'Brien
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
At the banquet of their 25th wedding anniversary Tom was
asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits
of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all
those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the
best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance,
meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many
other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the
Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only
supposed to be for kids."
Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a
rabbit and not a person."
[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]
Man: "What's wrong?"
Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being
wrong."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bear Chase
Two Dan & Vern are out in the
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first Dan gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
Vern says, "What are you doing?"
Dan says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."
Vern says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!
The Dan says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
New Evidence
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case to be reopened, the lawyer argued: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
Judge: "What new evidence could you have?"
Lawyer: "My client has an extra $10,000 and I just found out about it!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Program Managers
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jealousy
The guy approached a beautiful looking woman in a mall and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tax me until I'm poor. Wait! Too late.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dan was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As Dan was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot tall grizzly bear charge toward him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Dan looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant Dan cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You sometimes deny my existence for all these years, teach others everything is your brother Vern’s fault, and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
Then Dan looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a true Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lost Phone
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an
appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice
that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I
had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality
of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going
to tell anybody about this!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Not Fit For Print
Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.
Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Better Preacher"
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."
"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.
"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Oneliner
"Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><