For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its
luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk
inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes, it's our honeymoon," I replied.
"How many adults will there be?" she asked.
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Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow
their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at
the same time.
"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you
still doing your folks' yard?"
"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a
straight face.
I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.
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My life is based on a true story.
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A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it
would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot
mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into
account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He
walked."
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Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know.
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In this part of Texas, we are in the middle of the dog days of summer with temps over 100º .....
It is so hot and dry that...
The Baptists have started sprinkling,
The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth,
The Presbyterians are giving rain checks and,
The Catholics are turning wine back in to water.
Now friends, that is DRY.
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"Conch Sale"
In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.
I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said.
"Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner."