Doctor Interview
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor
was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes," was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee
down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and
says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United
States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
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"Jumper"
At the local Starbucks, a little guy exchanged words with a big bald guy and it looked like they were about to go to blows.
"You've got a lot of nerve for such a shrimp!" snarled the big guy.
"Look, you big jerk," barked the little guy. "I'm not scared of anybody, or anything! I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no parachute from a balloon. My grandfather jumped without a 'chute from a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow, I'll jump from a rocket!"
"You're crazy, you little twerp," said the big guy. "You could get killed!"
"So what?" said the little guy. "I have no family!"
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CleanQuote
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
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"Church Leadership"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the
driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48
miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of
the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7
cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982
cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not
bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000
cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars
that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of
these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of
females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to
Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National
Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously
considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe
men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the
National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons,
and this number is increasing.
That means that every single day, I drive past at least one
female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has
PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two not so bright country bumpkins were driving a semi down a road when they
came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to
measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.
They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions
and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine
plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were
caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the
worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
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"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to
bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No
Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno
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Ralph & Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool
and
stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. Swam to the bottom and pulled
Ralph out.
When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered
her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good
news
&
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving
the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act
displays
&g t; sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I
am
so
sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied " He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon
can I go home?"
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The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and
keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Dixie, Marion, Lake, Collier,
Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with
an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly
bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.