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Army Drab
My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.
While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide. My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute. The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced," Look Mom! A Giant Boy Scout!"
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Preacher Joke
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director
to hold a graveside service in a new cemetery for a
derelict man with no family or friends. He had died
while traveling through the area. The funeral was to
be held way back in a new country cemetery.
This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this
new cemetery. As I was not familiar with the backwoods
area, I became lost. Being the typical man, I didn't
stop for directions. But I finally arrived an hour
late.
I saw a crew and a backhoe, but the hearse was nowhere
in sight. The workmen working on the grave were eating
lunch. As I apologized to the workers (who looked
puzzled) for my tardiness, I stepped to the side of
the open grave, to find the vault lid already in
place. I assured the workers I would not hold them
long, but having a prayer service was the proper thing
to do.
As the workers gathered around, still eating their
lunch, I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached
the workers began to say Amen, Praise the Lord and
Glory. I was feeling good that they were enjoying my
sermon. I preached, and I preached, like I'd never
preached before. I began from Genesis and went pretty
much all the way through to Revelation. I preached for
two hours and 45 minutes. It was a long and lengthy
service. I closed in prayer and it was finished. The
workers thanked me as I left the grave.
As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my
duty and I would leave with a renewed sense of purpose
and dedication, in spite of my tardiness. As I was
opening the door to my car and taking off my coat, I
overheard one of the workers saying to another, I've
been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't
never seen anything like that before.
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Who is the richest woman in the
world?
According to the most recent Forbes magazine ranking,
two women currently share the title, and they're
related. Alice Walton (56), daughter of Wal-Mart
founder Sam Walton, is worth roughly 18 billion bucks.
Alice lives in Texas, where she raises horses. Helen
Walton (85), the widow of Sam, is also good for lunch,
with an estimated net worth of $18 billion. She
currently resides in Bentonville, Arkansas, where she
sponsors a preschool.
Liliane Bettencourt (82), the daughter of L'Oréal
founder Eugene Schueller, is the next lady on the
list, with approximately 17.2 billion. She lives in
France, where she awards a science prize every year.
Nine of the world's fifty richest people are women.
The richest self-made woman in the world is Rosalia
Mera (61) of Spain, who is worth approximately $2
billion. She started off making gowns and lingerie in
her home. Her business eventually grew into the
apparel manufacturer Inditex, which sold $6 billion
worth of clothes last year.
And what about Oprah? According to Forbes, the media
mogul is worth around $1.3 billion. Not too shabby,
but still a ways behind the Walton women.
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Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever
get a compliment."
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FOOTBALL HERO
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In
one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a
15th story
window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the
perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the United States and teaches him the great
game of
football.
And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when
the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You
deserted us.
You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of
my adoring
fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never
forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"
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Preacher Search (Edited)
We do not have a happy report to give, as we have not
been able to find a suitable candidate to hire as the
new preacher of this Church, though we have one
promising prospect. We appreciate all the suggestions
from the Church Members so we've followed up each one
with interviews or calling at least 3 references. The
following is our confidential report on the
candidates:
01)- ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also
one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy
walking nude in the woods.
02)- NOAH: Formerly worked for 120 years with no
converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
03)- ABRAHAM: Though the references reported
wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept
with another man's wife, but did offer to share his
own wife with another man.
04)- JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes
in dream-interpreting and has a prison record.
05)- MOSES: A modest meek man, but poor communicator, stuttering at times. Some times blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier Church over a murder charge.
06)- DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered he had an affair with his neighbor's wife.
07)- SOLOMON: Great preacher but our parsonage would
never hold all those wives.
08)- ELIJAH: Prone to depression - collapses under
pressure.
09)- ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single
widow while at his former Church.
10)- HOSEA: A tender loving preacher but our people
could never handle his wife's occupation.
12)- JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist,
negative, always lamenting things, and reported to
have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the
bank of a foreign river.
13)- ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen
Angels in Church. Has trouble with his language.
14)- JONAH: Refused GOD'S call into ministry until he
was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great
fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the
shore near here. We hung up.
15)- AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some
preacher training school studies, he might have
promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people --
might fit in better with a poor congregation.
16)- JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely
doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for
months on end, has weird diet, and provokes leaders of
other churches.
17)- PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper -- even
has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in
Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
18)- PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating
preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with
young ministers, harsh and has been known to preach
all night.
19)- TIMOTHY: Too young
21)- JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady
plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to
handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday. Possibilities here.