Lawn Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always
something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep
the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
A final thought: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other person is me.
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"Repeat Position"
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position? Well I'm marketing director of a medium sized computer software company in the East Midlands."
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CleanQuote
"The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's only one other choice."
- Doug Larson
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"Quality of Life"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
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"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied
your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I
decided to wait until it settles down!"
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead? I didn't even know he was sick!
What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juve-niles!
Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!
Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up.
Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know
where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York
harbor?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Name an animal that lives in Lapland?
A reindeer
Good, now name another.
Another reindeer!
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My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of
our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from
the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's
too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
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"Mr. Speaker, yesterday the President said we continue to be wise about how
we spend the people's money. Then why are we paying over $100,000 for a
'White House Director of Lessons Learned'? Maybe I can save the taxpayers
$100,000 by running through a few of the lessons this White House should
have learned by now:
Lesson 1: When the Army Chief of Staff and the Secretary of State say you
are going to war without enough troops, you're going to war without enough
troops.
Lesson 2: When 8.8 billion dollars of reconstruction funding disappears from
Iraq, and 2 billion dollars disappears from Katrina relief, it's time to
demand a little accountability.
Lesson 3: When you've 'turned the corner' in Iraq more times than Danica
Patrick at the Indy 500, it means you are going in circles.
Lesson 4: When the national weather service tells you a category 5 hurricane
is heading for New Orleans, a category 5 hurricane is heading to New
Orleans.
I would also ask the President why we're paying for two 'Ethics Advisors'
and a 'Director of Fact Checking.' They must be the only people in
Washington who get more vacation time than the President. Maybe the White
House could consolidate these positions into a Director of Irony."
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"I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I
must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and
she said, 'Because I'm your father.'" - Dave George
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NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION
Somebody said this was probably the best e-mail he'd seen in a long, long time. I AGREE!!!! It's about time someone spoke the truth.
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more
time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden,
delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold
these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of
people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so
dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to
you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from
harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to
be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and
housing. Americans are the most charitable people to
be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one
is my pet peeve...get an education and go
to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public
housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you
away in a place where you still won't have the right
to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All
of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful. (AMEN!) (AMEN, AGAIN)
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from! If you come here to enjoy the blessings and benefits available in AMERICA, don't be adding any hypenated" prefixes. (Lastly....)
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution.
The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our
heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it,
TOUGH!!!!
I think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States need to speak out because if you do not, who will?