Friday, October 01, 2004

hUMOR For October 1

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Interesting Speech -- Remarks by Senator Zell Miller at the 2004 Ronald Reagan Award Gala September 23,
2004

In New York City earlier this month I said I was proud to stand with George W. Bush.

I am also proud to stand here tonight with Malcolm Wallop, George Landrith, Jason Wright, and all of you who, like the man this award is named for, are committed to maintaining America's freedom and greatness.

Frontiers of Freedom is a voice that can be trusted and I am honored to accept this award.

No idea in the history of the world, has been more influential than the idea of freedom. It has been the definitive idea of our civilization and the central theme of our history.

And yet, far too many Americans take our freedom for granted; hardly give a thought to where it came from or what it really means.

And yet if you count up all the people who have lived in the history of the world, only one percent has lived in freedom.

But, while we rejoice in the freedom of that one per cent, it is the fate of those other 99 that we should also think about.

If 99 of 100 who have ever lived, did so in tyranny, it says not only is their this endless struggle between freedom and tyranny but also that freedom too often rarely wins.

The fate of the 99 speaks from the grave to say that mankind is almost totally deaf to this roar of history, that each generation tends to ignore its own struggle between freedom and tyranny. The 99 represents the fact that "most don't believe this struggle applies to them."

I think history's greatest lesson is that there is always an ongoing struggle between freedom and tyranny. Each generation must make a choice between the two. And not to make a choice is to make a choice.


The choice can often exact a terrible toll. But if freedom wins, it also often results in the most glorious of payoffs.

It was true as far back as 490 B.C. The citizen soldiers of ancient Athens, Greece, turned back on the plains of Marathon a Persian army three times as big and much better equipped.

And a man named Phidippides ran the 26 miles back to Athens with the news of the great victory.

Marathoners still run that distance, but a far greater significance of this battle was that free men defeated the hired soldiers and slaves of a tyrant.

And this victory led the way to Athenian democracy and all the good things that came with it -- individual rights, trial by jury, freedom of speech.

The glorious payoff also was true that April day in 1775, when the local militia of the American colonists stood up to the British Redcoats at Lexington and Concord and fired that shot heard 'round the world.
Two weeks later, George Washington took command of the Continental Army against the tyranny of George III.

The payoff was gloriously true in 1863 when Abraham Lincoln made his famous address at that Gettysburg ceremony where 7,000 men had died and their bodies lay rotting for months after the battle.

President Lincoln's few words explained better than anyone else ever has what the Civil War was all about.


"A Test," Lincoln called it, "a test of whether a new nation conceived in liberty," -- conceived in liberty
- "can long endure."

It was true in 1917, when within just a few months a million Americans volunteered to fight the Germans in World War I and turned the tide from possible defeat into an allied victory on the Western front.

My father was among them. He died when I was two weeks old. I never knew him, but I can remember wearing his coat with those sergeant stripes on it when I was so young; it dragged on the floor, and my arms did not extend more than halfway down its sleeves.

The glorious payoff was true that late spring of 1940, because of one single strong voice, the magnificent and eloquent voice of Winston Churchill who would not let up in his opposition to Adolf Hitler, as evil a man as ever lived.
******************************** New Sign

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that
sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.

As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting
a sign.

"Why the new sign?" I asked.

"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared,
"Local Honey, Dates, Nuts."

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CleanPun.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"Hebrews"
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"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote--and they're voting 'I don't know.'"

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking
proud.)

"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."

-- Andy Rooney
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The following are actual stories provided by travel agents :
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California & then take the train to Hawaii ?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa."
Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He Replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
He said, "But they look so close on the Map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of Time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who ?"
I said, "No,why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection ?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on ?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
10. A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double-checked and sure enough, his stay needs a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations.
"I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
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Yield for Pedestrians?

Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the
ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD

Close, but not close enough. I drove through the following week and found
it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it
read YEILD.

About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted
over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.