She Was So Blonde That
- She tripped over a cordless phone. - She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." - She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." - She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." - She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. - She studied for a blood test. - When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. - When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. - She sold the car for gas money!
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For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?The milky baa kid! What is a duck's favorite dance?The quackstep! Which dance will a chicken not do?The foxtrot! What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?A woolly jumper!
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My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the
restrooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but
when he went into the men's restroom, he saw a sign that
read:
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
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How Smart Is Your Right Foot?This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!I told you so ... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends ... They won't be able to believe it either!!!
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"Preacher's Best Years"
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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Oneliner
"Have a nice day...someplace else!"
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CleanPun - "Gravity"
Gravity always gets me down.
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Divorce Is GrandNew fulfilling lifestyle on less than a dime...
Dear Wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.Your Ex-HusbandP.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.So take care.SignedRich As Hell and Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
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Ladies Room ButtonsPushing the wrong button can be hazardous to your plumbing...
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament.“Sir, ” she said, “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.Who would know if he touched them?He couldn't resist. He pushed 'WW'. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.“What happened?” he exclaimed. “The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”... MEN NEVER LISTEN