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SOUTHERNERS IN HEAVEN Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Southerners up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing. "The Lord said, "Southerners are southerners, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!!!
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Career Change
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted
to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the
house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a
while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling
her he couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have
to be a pirate!"
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Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says
> to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher"
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law
passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have
her buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I
just can't take that chance."
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Minister Call
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
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Thanks to Lee Quinn for today's Illustration. - Change
The Amish people lead a simple life. That means no electricity. An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning.
An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture. The Amish man said, "No, no thou cannot."
"Legally, that paper says we can," replied the gruff worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture. As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show HIM thy paper!"
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG
SUNDAY SERMON
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit
in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the preacher telling the soundman to
have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record
today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his
notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The pews are replaced with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on
the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot
hour-glass.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY
SERMON
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch
the super bowl" but it's only July!
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We have seen this one before, but
it is worthy of another look... ts
A Great Loss
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the
following news. Please join us in remembering a great
icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury
Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was
71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly
described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he
was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business,
but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of
his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a
crusty old man, was considered a roll model for
millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play
Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus
the one they had in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.