One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to
my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor
husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!
My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard
me say a bad word about about him?"
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The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the
amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for
the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago),
but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for
her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed,
he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with
her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the
family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently
on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he
yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my
phone."
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience
in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."
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Auto Auction
The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit
charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No
Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered
windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a
cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and
dings and dents all over the body.
Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the
car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's
comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."
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The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
BLOND GUYS There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rests, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today." LAWYERS Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
I AM STATIONED in an Airborne unit in Germany, where our drop zone is next to a Mercedes-Benz test track. One windy day a gust blew me over the track. Knowing how hard a landing on asphalt can be, I braced myself, landed and checked for broken bones. Amazingly, I was fine. Suddenly the wind reinflated my parachute and started dragging me. I hit the chute's canopy release and looked up just in time to see a car speeding straight toward me. I grabbed my chute and ran to the edge of the track. Out of breath, but uninjured, I thought, How lucky can I be? Then I turned, stepped in a gopher hole and twisted my ankle.
AT the maritime museum where I work, we occasionally use midshipmen to do the "dirty work" of restoring a 100-year-old cruiser. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three. Teasing one Navy midshipman, I said, "You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?" "Sir, no, sir," he snapped back. "The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!"
LAST NIGHT, NO SLEEP
A woman in Keystone, Colo., woke up her husband at 4:00 a.m. saying their son was struggling with an intruder. Greg McMurray ran to his son's bedroom and confronted a man, later identified by police as Kristopher Zeller, 34. The 8-year- old boy broke from Zeller's grasp and his father then started work on persuading Zeller to leave by prodding him with a barbell. When that failed, he picked up a golf club and started hitting Zeller with it. Every time he knocked Zeller down he got back up. After breaking two clubs on the man, McMurray switched to an iron fireplace poker, which was bent out of shape by Zeller's head. Zeller finally left the residence and was captured nearby. "It's a very strange case," said sheriff John Minor. "I have no clue what this guy was thinking." TELLING SECRETS
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." and... ARCHEOLOGICAL GROANER After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color. Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce,everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes." TIDBITS OF WIT Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enough time to do all their work. and... WARM UP WIT I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.
GLORIOUS GIGGLES 1) Our accountant said that he was leaving to pursue an MBA. I later found out that meant Mexico, Brazil and Argentina. 2) Show me a man who walks with his head held high, and I'll show you a man who hasn't gotten used to his bifocals. 3) Today is an excellent day to find yourself. I suggest you start with the phone book. 4) Understanding modern art is like trying to figure out the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup. 5) Don't worry. Loud applause doesn't frighten me. 6) I stayed up until 4 a.m. with a great book. Once I started coloring, I found it hard to stop. 7) Today's Newsletter is being produced by Ron Meedy and Jeremy Oaker. This has been a Meady/Oaker production. 8) Some bank! Before I could make a with- drawal, I has to wait until someone came in and made a deposit. 9) Did you ever notice that in bookstores you'll find the diet and exercise books right between humor and fiction.
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Future Baseball Star
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.
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Slow Sammy
A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed. To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger. One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" "No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"
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Red Lights
There are these two guys driving a car. When the guy driving blows right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!", the passenger said. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light. "You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time, the driver said. After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped. "Why are you stopping?" The driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
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A dog called Mace
A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time, because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time. One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it. The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench. The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".