AFTER TODAY’S POST I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO POST hUMOR EVERYDAY AGAIN UNTIL AFTER SEPT. 19TH. I WILL DO THE BEST I CAN TO KEEP YOU LAUGHING.
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Directions
In my job with a delivery company, I was getting directions to a
customer's home.
The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center
of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the
next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past a red hydrant and then take the
next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and
the number is on the mailbox.
As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color
is your house?"
The woman paused a second, then said, "Hold on. I'll go check."
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A tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet shop and
was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in small unit tactics -- well worth the money!"
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That
one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrol monkey;
it can instruct other monkeys in basic firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques, and it can even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a
third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag
around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."
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City Kids Camping
Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "we might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"
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CleanQuote.
"Maybe we should sell handguns by prescription only, and let people buy Prozac at trade shows."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Obedience
While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.
The examiner asked her, "could you get a little closer?"
Instead of moving the car, she slid over.
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A popular Hot Springs Barber shop had a new robotic barber installed.
A fellow came in for a haircut. As the robot began to cut his hair, it asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance and so on. The man listened intently and said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barber shop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70."
The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about Hillary running for president?"
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IOWA EXHAUST
While driving in IOWA, a family caught up to a Sis at the reins of a horse-drawn carriage. Sis obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats, hay and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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Skim Milk
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to
lower-fat foods; including skim milk. When she said her family would
only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular
container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a
while, until her daughter asked, one morning, whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found
out. "Why do you ask?"
"Because according to the bottle," the daughter explained, "this milk
expired two years ago.