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Grandma's Apron
The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls. In the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.
REMEMBER THIS!
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughter's set theirs on the window sill to thaw."
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Mow the Grass
When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments.
When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.....
Graveside Service
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
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WORKOUT FOR SENIORS
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the
following:
Monday:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday:
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday:
Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire
Friday:
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Sunday:
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them
..... What a Workout!
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*Vacation Term Translation*
In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo...
Old world charm =No bath
Tropical =Rainy
Majestic setting =A long way from town
Options galore =Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway =Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms =Already occupied
Explore on your own =Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts =They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees =No extras
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Here is today's CleanPun.
Biblical Baseball
Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.:Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning"Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher"Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers"Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made"Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?"Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide."Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them"Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk"Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?"Galatians 5:7 ... "Ye did run well"