*Things That Never Happened On Star Trek*..
1. The
type it has encountered several times before.
2. The
who are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works
properly.
4. The crew of the
form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old
life form wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the
plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-
stocked
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a
less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by
the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The
one place to another without serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to
interface to the
that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly
diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and
competent engineering staff.
10. The
intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The
intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some
chocolate.
12. The
"
ever, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it
seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the
are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14. The
perience which is in some way unconnected with the Late
20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet
he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the
end of the episode.
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the
blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from
boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position
for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of
one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
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Tax Forms, Long vs Short
Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds,
the fresh smell of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time
that taxes are due. Yes, it's that time of year, when you
put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of 12Z or 11Q
from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the
number of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you
weigh more than last year's tax return. I just did my taxes
and when I was done I was happy to see that I'm getting a
refund ... look at the money the government is giving to me
... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!"
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form
is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
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"New Passport Photo"
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.
"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."
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Oneliner
"Why are you driving me crazy when you know it's within walking distance?"
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CleanPun - "Fight"
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
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Woman In A Hurry
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
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Biker, Lion, Little Girl, and New York Times
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, " Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times , and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"
" I ride Harley Davidson and I'm a Republican. "
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
"BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
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I Hope I'm Sick
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to
himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"
After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand
it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be
sick, Mr. Adams?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel this bad."
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True News Stories
Man beats up family after funeral
BOLINGBROOK, Ill. (UPI) -- A 20-year-old
The March 29, incident began when the man's aunt scolded him for saying abusive things to his relatives, prompting him to sock her in the face, the Joliet Herald News reported.
Officials said the man's mother pulled the car over on
When the fighting eventually ended, two brothers drove away with their mother.
The aunt said her sister fled the scene because "her 20-year-old son had several warrants and was on parole ... and she didn't want him picked up by police."
The aunt, her boyfriend and niece reportedly went to
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Wrappers lead to candy theft suspects
Police said they followed the trail from Peter Minges and Sons Candy Shop, where $400 worth of candy was stolen just before 1 a.m. Thursday, to a nearby area where they arrested four suspects, two men and two women, WLWT-TV,
Three of the suspects have not yet been named by police, but one of the women, Christine Ruther, was charged with child endangerment after she allegedly brought her 7-month-old daughter along for the heist.
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Spasticville, Kan., seeks name change
SPASTICVILLE, Kan. (UPI) -- The city administrator of
The administrator said he collected the proper number of signatures and sent them in with the accompanying forms to apply for the name change, KWCH-TV,
Residents of the
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Animal docs buy island for dogs' pleasure
All three animal doctors are from the
The three bought
Dr. Pilar Gosselin and fellow vets Dave Brace and Dave Szentimrey plan to allow only a few dogs to stay to run free on the island, which has a lodge, four cabins, a bathhouse, a desalination plant and equipment to produce solar and wind power, the report said.
"I've committed myself to making the dogs' lives better," Gosselin said. "They can be themselves, not cause trouble, not evoke hostility."