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Tracing Family
Dear Abby:
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?
Sam in California
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Dear Sam:
Yes. Run for public office.
Abby
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/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */
1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to
share his ideas about the golf swing.
5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach
shot.
8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your
opponent's luck.
9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you
lie.
10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and
bounces just the way you intended to play it.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing
the golf glove.
20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.
21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on
the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is
not yours.
23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the
bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the
footprint.
25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw
it.
26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
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A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
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This is without a doubt, some
mighty fine advice.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it
cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get
older, their conversational skills will be as
important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have
or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in
the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get
married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't
have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love ! deeply and passionately. You might get
hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to
know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self;
Respect for others; and responsibility for all your
actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great
friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller
will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and
touches your heart.
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BUZZARD
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet
and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of
its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The
reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from
the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space
to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to
fly but will remain a prisoner for life in a small
jail with no top.
BAT
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a
remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off
from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or
flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly
and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
BUMBLEBEE
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be
there until it dies unless it is taken out. It never
sees the means of escape at the top but persists in
trying to find some way out through the sides near the
bottom. It will seek a way where none exists until it completely destroys itself.
PEOPLE
In many ways, there are lots of people like the
buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. They are
struggling about with all their problems and
frustrations, not ever realizing that all they have to
do is look up.
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University Parking
A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of parking tickets at
the University. He discovered that when in a pinch for a parking space,
the fine for parking on the grass is much less than parking in a faculty
space. He also found that he could "re-use" a ticket by putting it back
under his windshield the next time he parked. (By the way, neither of these
are recommended.)