Surprising Answer
Technician's Bill
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The
company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the
raw materials at one end and churning out the finished
product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped
and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants
to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of
his office to find out why his multi-million-dollar machine
wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people
saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call
a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained
to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the
massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked
over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a
screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the
screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine
suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his
hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company. The
technician answered, "$100,000.00." The manager looked at
him and said, "You were here less then two minutes and just
turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an
itemized bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
Turning of one screw: $1.00.
Knowing which screw to turn: $99,9999.00.
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When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
something his wife can beat him at.
***
A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His
first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.
***
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he
would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to
be good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"
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A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his
high-school alma mater.
Last fall, a member of the Class of 86 returned the standard
alumni questionnaire with this response:
Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name - Plaintiff
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A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple
next door and said, "Do you see that couple, how devoted they
are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do
that?"
"I don't know her well enough."
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Differentiate You!
A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.
Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction.
Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"
The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."
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Follow Instructions
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
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Life After Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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"I bet that Van Gogh guy cut off his ear by accident and made
up that 'lost love' story so he wouldn't look stupid."
--Andy Pierson
***
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent
Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing
on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a
weapon.
***
"I don't have any kids. Well, at least none that I know about.
I'd like to have kids one day, though. I want to be called
Mommy by somebody other than Spanish guys in the street."
--Carol Leifer
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A group of junior-level executives were participating in
a management training program. The seminar leader pounded
home his point about the need to make decisions and take
action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log
and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would
you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five
because there is a difference between deciding to jump and
jumping."
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A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the
library... The librarian quips after checking the books...
"Sir your books are always returned with the last page
missing in every single book..."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an
appendix when ever I see one."
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HOW TO SAVE MONEY ON YOUR TAXES
There are thousands of ways to reduce your federal income tax liability. Most of them are illegal. We don't guarantee the following suggestions will work, or won't end up having you sent to prison for 162 years:
AVOID MAKING TOO MUCH MONEY: The income tax code still penalizes success. The more money you make, the bigger the bite IRS takes. There is a point each year where you will have to say "no more income" and tell your boss you will work for free. Actually your choice is working for the federal government, or for your boss for free. What a choice!
ELIMINATE YOUR INCOME: The easiest way to reduce your tax burden is to reduce your income. Quit your job. Sell your business. Declare bankruptcy. As a long-term solution, though, this method has its downsides.
LOSE MONEY: In theory you can lose as much money as you make, so long as the making is real dollars and the losing is paper money. Big corporations do this somehow. MyHumor.org needs investors.
DEPRECIATION: Depreciation is a real scam. Everything you own decreases in value over time. Businesses get to deduct depreciation as a real expense, but people don't. Lobby for personal depreciation, the older we get, the lower our tax percentage.
DEPENDENTS: If you believe animals have the same rights as people, take your dog as a deduction. Getting your dog a Social Security number, however, will be difficult.
AVOID BEING SELF-EMPLOYED: Before the advent of income taxes, being in business for yourself as a doctor, lawyer, blacksmith, or whatever were noble professions. You didn't work for "yourself", you offered your services to mostly happy customers. But the federal government doesn't get payroll deductions from traditional small businesses, so they have created the disparaging term "self-employed". When you try and get a loan, just write down "self-employed" on the line for employment, and watch your borrowing capacity vanish. "Self-employed" is translated as "audit the rascal" in IRS lingo.
INCORPORATE YOURSELF: Corporations get lots of breaks you don't as a human being. For instance, corporations get to write off health insurance costs as a business expenses, but self-employed people get screwed. If you can't figure out what it is you as a corporation would do, don't worry. Many of the top corporations can't either.
KEEP YOUR BOOKS IN PESOS: Instead of using US currency as the basis for your business, use pesos. No one knows what a peso is worth or which countries are currently using them.
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you ‘tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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