"Senior's Ode to Medication"
A row of bottles on my shelf
caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
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The Night Before Christmas (Legal Style)
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams,wherein visions of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had
retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House,
i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or
circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
"the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air
by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified
the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon
information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and
other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior
invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing
a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts"
to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof
where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to that effect.
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"Soup Solution "
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, sir. The frog should surface any moment now.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."
- Mary Wilson Little
Thanks to Phil Ittenbach for today's Illustration.
- "Who Started Christmas?"
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.
When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, ?Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot.? From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, ?Don't worry. We already crucified him.?
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
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Senior Ailments
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"I work 40 hours a week to be this poor."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Parties
What are the three great American parties?
Democrat, Republican, and Tupperware.