Q: What cheese is made backwards?A: Edam
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My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's
unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
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As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington,
DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I
showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki
uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he
said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the
sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe,
shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now
all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
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"Al Sharpton is getting his own show on CBS. I believe it's called "The
Amazing Race Card." - Jay Leno
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Parking ConfusionAfter driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space."You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
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"Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions"
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.
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CleanQuote
"You can't kill time without injuring eternity."
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"Fellowship" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Lonely and alone, discouraged and empty heartedThat's when a man needs a brother
When the burden is heavy, the load too much to bearThat's when a man needs a brother
When in despair, and needing someone to careThat's when a man needs a brother
When the strong arm on your shoulders make the tears flow freeThat's when a man needs a brother
When the words, "we'll make it through together" seem so sweetThat's when a man needs a brother
When courage is needed and strength to carry onThat's when a man needs a brother
When you think you can do it aloneThat's when a man needs a brother--Author Unknown
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Epitaph AdjustmentA new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed."In that case," she said, "please add 'Until We Meet Again.'"
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Fast DriverMy mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car."I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer."What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"