Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
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Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
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Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
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No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
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"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman
***
"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson
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A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."
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Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
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Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client
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Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.
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Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"
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Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.