Speeding Mother
Warning for lead foot drivers...
My mother has a “lead foot,” so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.
“What do they usually do, ma'am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”
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Everybody, Somebody, Anybody & Nobody
Chances are you know this story...
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
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Olive Her
“Fill 'er up, bartender!”
Following instructions can lead you to drink...
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar.
Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing.
After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”
“What's so peculiar about it?” asked the bartender. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”
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The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly-deaf old man
the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."
Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist answered. As he did,
the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of the store with
his prescription.
The clerk realized the mistake and shouted but the old man did not hear and
kept walking. When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained
what had happened.
The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register
saying to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing."
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A remote-controlled advertising blimp touting a Ford/Toyota dealership in
Salisbury, N.C., was flying over a vacant lot when a man in a black
Chevrolet pickup drove up, got out, and shot at it with a shotgun, causing
$10,000 in damage.
A witness wrote down the truck's license number. Police say it's registered
to a nearby Chevrolet dealer.
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I used to be up the creek without a paddle. Now, I'm down the information
highway without a modem.
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Excellent Grades
When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school.
Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it.
She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!
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Pot Talking to the Kettle
Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you !" ...
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Goony Bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!"
So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game.
"Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
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Lemonade
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lemonade.
Lemonade Who?
Lemonade me introduce you to my friend!
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Little Old Lady
There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto
her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became
irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step
onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every
day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady
stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!
Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for
me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there
were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES
FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
"THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE
THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
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Pink Humvees
Before our division was deployed, we had to repaint our Humvees from
their normal "olive drab" camouflage to a "sand" color.
The result was a pinkish hue ... and then the jokes began.
One guy renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the
bumper sticker that said: "Ask me about Mary Kay."
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A woman talking with the manager of her apartment building mentions that the tenants in the apartment above her are noisy.
"Most nights," she says, "they stomp around as if they're doing some sort of tribal dance, and it goes on until about midnight."
"I'll have a little talk with them," says the manager.
"Oh, don't do that," replies the woman. "It doesn't keep me up. I'm usually up practicing my trumpet until that time anyway."
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A highway patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $500 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked.
"I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license," the man answered.
"Don't listen to him" said the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Then there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we across the border yet?"