Pay Back
A husband and wife were having a quarrel over the breakfast table. The quarrel remained unresolved when it was time to leave for work.
The wife, having trouble with the zipper on her dress, asked for assistance. In a huff, the husband freed the zipper and then angrily ran it up and down rapidly several times.
That afternoon, when the wife returned from work, she saw him lying on his back with his hands and head under the car working on it. Still mad about what he had done that morning, she went over, grasped his zipper and yanked it up and down several times.
Stomping into the house, she found her husband drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table.
In great embarrassment, she explained to him what she had done.
He rushed outside to find his neighbor, who had offered to fix his car, out cold. When the wife had grasped his zipper, he had reflexively tried to sit up and had knocked himself out on the frame of the car.
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"Got Any Crackers"
A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers? "
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?" bar tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!"
Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" bartender says no.
Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
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Oneliner
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"- Satchel Paige
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CleanPun - "Don't Waste Words"
Larry was tall and laconic so, of course, he hated to waste words.
"Why use two? One will do," he was frequently heard to ask. People giving him simple conversation were likely to hear, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
This is a rapid way to lose friends, but Larry was unable to change his verbally sparse and alienating ways.
This irritating habit was expended on everyone. When repairs were necessary to his house, the service people were subjected to the same language truncations.
One day the kitchen garbage disposer plugged up and he had to call he plumber. The Yellow Pages indicated Jake The Plumber had a marvelous new piece of equipment to solve such problems, so Jake was called.
When Jake got to the house, he asked, "Where is your plumbing problem?"
Larry replied, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
Jake asked, "Where?" and Larry pointed to the problem.
Larry asked, "How much?"
Jake replied, "Well, usually kitchen drain unstopping costs $100, but..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"Fifty bucks."
"O. K."
Jake went out and brought in a large piece of equipment, attached a hose, and turned on a massive vacuum generator. Very quickly, the problem was solved.
Larry paid the bill, and as Jake was packing to leave, Larry asked, "How works?" and he pointed to the equipment.
Larry said, "Well, my apparatus generates a large vacuum, and..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"How many words?" asked Jake.
"Three, no more."
"O. K." Jake replied. "Sucked sink."
(By Alan B. Combs)
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What love’s about – Dan and his girl friend style.Dan ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries, one drink and unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cutting it in half.He placed one half in front of his girlfriend. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his girlfriend.He took a sip of the drink, his girlfriend took a sip and then set the cupdown between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, thepeople around them kept looking over and whispering.You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table, politely offering to buy another meal for the old couple. Old Dan said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her lover eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy anothermeal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we areused to sharing everything."As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"She answered, "THE TEETH."
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Photo ApologyPhotographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken."You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
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”Airport News”
A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
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Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
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Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
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Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"