Monday, November 12, 2007

hUMOR For Nov 12th

MountainWings A MountainWings Moment#7304 Wings Over The Mountains of Life-------------------------------------------------Technology – or Sixth Sense?=============================It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood so they would be prepared for it.But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?""It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked."Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again."Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?""Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.""How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

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The Outhouse...
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. (this a requirement at my place of employment, they want you to always have an email to back up any communication you have with another co-worker. I think it's insane and only takes up valuable work time when you have to read a box full on email) 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

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***

"My Halloween was marred. Horrible incident. A kid dressed
as O.J. Simpson broke into my house and stole all my candy."
-Jay Leno

***

"What a crazy Halloween in Hollywood last night. My arm is
killing me from throwing eggs all night." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"This week Wal-Mart started selling a $199 computer. What
they don't tell you is the computer is actually an Etch-a-
Sketch taped to a toaster oven." -Conan O'Brien

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I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file
of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must
have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I
called the office janitor.

"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked
up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"

He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed
me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with
no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.

As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door.
"Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I
couldn't find your watch."

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Driving on the interstate, I saw a vehicle with the license
plate ALT F7. I checked my computer at home, and as I
suspected, it was a WordPerfect command. The truck had to
belong to a plumber. Who else would choose the command
"Flush Right"?

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A Cluttered Desk Is...

About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column
that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my
desk.

GREAT!

So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and
placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now
I can't find them.

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The first line of the notice said, "Please Take Notice," so I took it.

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When Seniors Shouldn't Trick Or TreatYou know you're too old to Trick or Treat when...
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you're not wearing a mask.5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or” and can't remember the rest.4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.1. You keep having to go home to pee.