Four-Letter Surgery
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
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Reasons to Leave Work
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances. 2. Came dressed in only a towel...again. 3. Ran out of paper clips. 4. I've decided to telecommute. 5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House. 6. It's a long drive home to Texas. 7. One-day sale at Macy's. 8. My brain is melting! 9. I think they found me out... 10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
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Three Old Men
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. "I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man. "Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'." Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?" "Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"
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For The Kids...
Why did the burglar take a shower?He wanted to make a clean getaway! What kind of fish can't swim?Dead ones! How do Welsh people eat cheese?Caerphilly! Why do polar bears have fur coats?Because they would look silly in anoraks!
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"Photo Apology"
Photographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken.
"You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
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CleanQuote
"Personally I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught." - Winston Churchill
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"Faithfulness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "Oh, Really? WERE you?"
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My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter
approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her
boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get
them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."
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Southern Hospitality
A very gentle southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in
Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young
man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please sir, don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
Grasping for any opportunity, she cried, "Think of your job, the work still
to be done."
"I was fired today and have no prospect of another job."
Running out of ideas, she appealed to his patriotism and said, "Well, think
of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart sugar, just go ahead and jump."
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"If you ever find yourself being ripped apart by a pack of wolves, try not
to scream. Everybody knows wolves can smell fear." - Sean Alex