Napoleon's Wife
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power – everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
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"Winter in
It's winter in
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour
At 52 below!
Oh, how I love
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
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Oneliner
"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money." - David Richerby
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CleanPun - "Stocking Purchase"
Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife."
The clerk asks, "Sheer?"
The man replies "No. She's in another store."
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| Cupcake Container |
| I don't know about you, but there is not much I find more embarrassing than to break for lunch after a high stakes business meeting only to exhibit weakness by pulling a smushed cupcake out of my lunch bag. It can be a deal breaker for sure. Or just imagine the poor guy who has a beautiful picnic planned for the girl of his dreams. The plan? Why, to enjoy a wonderful lunch in the shade of a beautiful oak tree, then set dessert out and then pop the question! He asks romantically, she looks at the ring and then down at the squashed cupcakes waiting on the styrofoam plate and shakes her head an incredulous no. Surely this cannot be the father of her children. Messed up cupcakes - the bain of the civilized world. Who knows what new planets we could have conquered long ago if only the dilemma of transporting them without messing up their sprinkles could be solved. Take heart, the cupcake container is here. Mars, here we come! |
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”Natural Cure”
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.
I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
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Menu Planning Tip to Reduce Stress
I have changed my system for labelling homemade freezer meals. I used
to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast"
or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what
he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things.
So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels.
You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever,"
"Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or
"Food." My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband
replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will
be there waiting.
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Physicist on Valentine's Day
Every Friday after work, a physicist goes down to the ice
cream parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the
last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn't there,
if he can buy her an ice cream cone. The owner, who is used
to the weird local university types, always shrugs but keeps
quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist
makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space,
curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "I apologize
for my stupid question, but surely you know there is NEVER a
woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in
offering ice cream to an empty space?"
The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum physics,
empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come
into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when
the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might
suddenly appear there."
The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But
couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every
Friday if you could buy HER a cone? Never know -- she might
say yes."
The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to
happen?"
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Things to Ponder
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
- If people from
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say
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Deer Hunting
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
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Matches
You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?
Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!
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Tings You Can Learn From Your Dog
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.